So, I found like legit the biggest fucking daddy long legs I have ever seen in my life in the bathroom. I seriously thought it was a huntsman until it saw me, crouched down, and stopped moving because apparently humans track by motion. And usually I just smash this sort of thing, because they’re too small to really catch without smashing them or getting bitten, so fuck it, right? Except, seriously. This thing was fucking huge. And it wasn’t moving. So I’m pretty sure I can drop a glass over it, slide a piece of paper under it, and put it outside.
Like, I don’t know if you’ve ever done this particular maneuver before, but if you haven’t, here’s how it normally goes:
- get glass
- drop it over offending critter
- critter is deeply confused, maybe climbs up glass walls/tries to sulk in corner
- slide glass onto book/plate/piece of paper/whatever
- deposit critter outside
- everybody wins
Since the spider* wasn’t moving at the time, I figured this would be a piece of cake. So, I go and get the glass, and I walk up to the spider, who’s like giving me the side-eye this entire time like “What are you fucking doing I see you looking at me and I don’t like it,” and I drop it over the spider.
And the spider proceeds to lose her goddamn mind.
I mean, I have tried to kill spiders, missed, and accidentally taken off legs, and they’ve flipped out less. This thing went fucking apeshit the second the glass came down and never once took a breather. Like, she was sitting there reared up on her hind legs pounding on the glass with her forelegs. And I’m sitting there watching this going “Holy shit, spider, this is not your first time at this rodeo, is it?”
Usually when you catch something in a glass, they don’t really have much of a reference for “glass.” They can see though it, light’s coming in, they don’t get why they can’t just keep going. They just kind of sit down and go “Okay I guess this is a thing now?”
This spider sees the glass come down and immediately knows she’s in spider jail. Like, that was a little spider prison riot. If I spoke spider, I’d probably have heard “Attica! Attica! Attica!” coming from the glass.
So suddenly it seems like maybe I don’t want to leave the spider unattended while I put on pants. Maybe I just want the spider out of the house immediately.
"Babe? Can you take a spider outside for me?"
"A SPIDER OMG JUST FUCKING KILL IT."
"But I’ve already caught it."
"IT IS A SPIDER. KILL IT RIGHT NOW OR SO HELP ME."
"But it’s like a giant sequoia of daddy long legses. This thing was catching gnats when the dinosaurs roamed the earth. It’s probably sentient by now. Also, it’s already under glass, and I’d have to take the glass off to kill it, so we’re already in too deep to back out. Just take it outside, whip off the glass, and run."
"Okay, fine, you owe me breakf—OH MY GOD I DIDN’T KNOW SPIDERS COULD GET THAT ANGRY. What did you do?” Ten seconds later, “I hope you’re happy. It glared at me before it ran off, and it knows where we live.”
And that’s why you can never go wrong by killing something with fire.
*They’re not really spiders, but fuck it, man.